As I emerged from my post-coital shower last night, I was struck with something profound and unholy … I needed some more action. Truth be told, I think getting my hair played with is the bee’s knees. Some people opt for a shoulder massage, others like having their toes sucked. But play with my hair and I’ll be your forever. (Unless I catch you with our gardener reenacting scenes from Love In The Time of Cholera … you know who you are.) However, my greatness cannot be contained to just one woman. That’s why I’ve made the pitch above to various ladies around the world, hoping that these wild facts about me will entice them to come to my aid and give me the Hair Action I deserve.

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