It’s rare as a journalist (yep I referred to myself as that, I’m also a ninja) you get to type what may be the greatest sentence of your career. Boys and girls this is mine…

BERVARD COUNTY, Fla. — The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail.

I may as well quit this job now because nothing I ever write will be this hilarious again. Seriously. You’ve heard the old joke “Is that a (insert phallic shaped object) in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?” Well, you shut your dirty whore mouth.. it’s a burrito. Captain America doesn’t have time for sluts, just burritos. And feeling up drunken nurses who won’t touch his burrito. Further information has surfaced…

On Saturday night, when a costume party full of medical professionals stopped at On Tap Cafe, police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.
The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report “there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America’s were asked to go outside for a possible identification.”  The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot. He was taken to the police station.

There isn’t any joke I could add to this to make it funnier, I don’t want to sully this moment. I’ll just ask…Jesus man, What the shit?

Go here to see the original:
Captain America Has a Burrito in His Pants