In traipsing across the interwebs a few days back,  I found a funny piece of literature posted at The Huffington Post. It wasn’t your typical journalistic faire.  It wasn’t even a strongly worded opinion piece.  It was, in the opinion of this lonely little blogger, one of the strangest things I’d ever seen posted on a mainstream news site.  The topic?  Halloween candy is demonic, and it puts curses on the kids that go trick-or-treating each year.

As it turns out, the article was originally posted on evangelist Pat Robertson’s site (Remember him?  He ran for president a few years back), and HuffPo was poking a bit of fun.  Inadvertently, however, HuffPo ended up giving the article a nice chunk of publicity.  It was a pretty unusual piece to receive such mainstream attention, and it circulated widely on the old intertubes.

Of course, being the blogger/journalist that I am, I couldn’t possibly believe that the author actually believed that Halloween Candy is ‘prayed’ over by witches, or that Halloween candy was cursed.  HuffPo, and the other sites carrying this story, were only offering up short snippets.  I started digging.  I became especially curious since the original article, posted on Robertson’s site, suddenly and mysteriously disappeared.

I was at a roadblock.  How was I to give Ms. Kimberley Daniels, the author of the piece, the benefit of the doubt, if all I could find were excerpts of her original article?  I couldn’t even find the article at her own site, but then maybe I wasn’t looking hard enough.  It’s hard to make a controversial article just vanish. These things live on forever in cyberspace.  There’s no making it disappear.  Ever.

Knowing this, I knew Ms. Daniels article must exist somewhere….and here it is in all it’s glory.  My goal was to give the author a fair shake.  I was to find, in reading the original piece, that HuffPo was just scratching the surface.  The author, it seems, is pretty fiery.  You know, fiery in the sense that pretty much everyone, except for a handful of devout Christians, is going to hell.  The original article contains some very strong opinions, most of which have to do with the demons that are infesting the lives of red-blooded Americans everywhere.

Yes, really.  And I believe she’s perfectly serious, too.

I, however, am not.  I’m more the sarcastic, satirical type.  So here is my completely non-serious analysis of The Danger of Celebrating Halloween, by Ms. Kimberly Daniels.

The article begins reasonably enough, but voices a concern about whether “Christians” should be celebrating this holiday.

Halloween—October 31—is considered a holiday in the United States. In fact, it rivals Christmas with regard to how widely celebrated it is. Stores that sell only Halloween-related paraphernalia open up a few months before the day and close shortly after it ends. But is Halloween a holiday that Christians should be observing?

Alright, that’s something to think on.   Is it possible that Halloween rivals Christmas simply because not everyone is Christian, and thus don’t celebrate Christmas?  Did you know that some people are Jewish or Buddhist or Mormon?  Of course you know this.  Aren’t these folks, according to your beliefs, going to the pit of fire?

The word “holiday” means “holy day.” But there is nothing holy about Halloween. The root word of Halloween is “hallow,” which means “holy, consecrated and set apart for service.” If this holiday is hallowed, whose service is it set apart for? The answer to that question is very easy—Lucifer’s!

Wait a minute, what?  You mean that the jacktard who keeps meddling in all things human, the joker who reigns over hell,  BEALZIBUB himself, is in charge of Halloween?   Ok, ok, ok.  In all seriousness, Ms. Daniels sets herself apart from the average person so close to the beginning of her argument it’s hard for me to catch up.  Allow me to rip her a new one give her a basic history/philosphy/theology lesson, huh?

Yes, the root word of Halloween (hallow) does indeed mean ‘holy’ and it was indeed a day that was set apart but not for religious reasons as many people assume.

While practice has been thought to stem from Roman times, specifically, the feast of Pomona, or a festival of the dead called Parentalia, Historian Nicholas Rogers believes that Halloween is more closely related to the Celtic festival Samhain (pronounced sow-an or sow-in), as in, the end of Summer.  Because the ancient Celts weren’t as cool as we are and didn’t have daylight savings time (well, except for Arizona) , they had to rely on the Sun and the Moon to dictate their harvest.  The festival of Samhain was a celebration of the end of the “lighter half” of the year and beginning of the “darker half”, also known as Celtic New Year.

Lucifer is a part of the demonic godhead. Remember, everything God has, the devil has a counterfeit. Halloween is a counterfeit holy day that is dedicated to celebrating the demonic trinity of : the Luciferian Spirit (the false father); the Antichrist Spirit (the false holy spirit); and the Spirit of Belial (the false son).

The key word in discussing Halloween is “dedicated.” It is dedicated to darkness and is an accursed season. During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed. A time-released curse is a period that has been set aside to release demonic activity and to ensnare souls in great measure.

You may ask, “Doesn’t God have more power than the devil?” Yes, but He has given that power to us. If we do not walk in it, we will become the devil’s prey. Witchcraft works through dirty hearts and wrong spirits.

During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

Ok, give it up.  Which witch was it that gave you the intel on the Halloween candy?  Who was it?!  BURN HER!!! CRUCIFY HER!!!  DROWN HER!!!

“Uh, Brother John?”

“Yes Brother Dave.”

“Behold the body of the fiendish witch, Mary is….. floating?”

“Ooops.  Guess she wasn’t a witch after all, God forgive us for this grave mistake.”

I wonder how many of those people we’re going to see at the Pearly Gates?  Hmmmm, makes you think huh?

I found myself wondering if the author had actually witnessed these ‘witches’ dedicating and praying over ‘most’ of the candy being sold this holiday season?  I personally went to the Hershey factory in Pennsylvania and I’m pretty sure I didn’t see any witches….a few Mennonites, but no witches.  Where’s your proof?  Biblical or otherwise?  Uhhh, huh!  That’s what I thought….you don’t have any.  No research went into your presentation, just bold-faced opinion.

I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.

Be honest with yourself, woman!  You don’t buy candy because you’re just gonna eat up all the yummy morsels your kids bring in the door, like you do every year.  Candy is not safe around you!  Your poor children!  They have to hide their portion in the potted plants on the front stoop otherwise you’ll eat it all up!  CONFESS!

Even the colors of Halloween (orange, brown and dark red) are dedicated. These colors are connected to the fall equinox, which is around the 20th or 21st of September each year and is sometimes called “Mabon.” During this season witches are celebrating the changing of the seasons from summer to fall. They give praise to the gods for the demonic harvest. They pray to the gods of the elements (air, fire, water and earth).

O-M-G.  The trees are demons!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!  My house is surrounded by those evil trees.  I need to cut them all down.  The jerks keep letting these leaves that are orange, brown and dark red fall off of them!  Oh gosh, oh no!  I won’t be able to visit my family on the East Coast!  EVERYTHING IS ORANGE, BROWN, and DARK RED OVER THERE!!!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Wait a minute….according to your beliefs Ms. Daniels, God did make the trees, did He not?

Kim, Kim, Kim.  Listen.  You’re not going to be able to leave your house until winter and don’t go turning on your computer or TV or anything remotely connected to normal society because you’re just going to see a ton of orange, brown and dark red.  M’kay?  And seriously, stay away from Thanksgiving.  There’s all sorts of red, orange and brown on that holiday! Besides, Thanksgiving is a holiday that which celebrates the slaughter of innocent turkey’s everywhere.

Mother earth is highly celebrated during the fall demonic harvest. Witches praise mother earth by bringing her fruits, nuts and herbs. Demons are loosed during these acts of worship. When nice church folk lay out their pumpkins on the church lawn, fill their baskets with nuts and herbs, and fire up their bonfires, the demons get busy. They have no respect for the church grounds. They respect only the sacrifice and do not care if it comes from believers or non-believers.

Gathering around bonfires is a common practice in pagan worship.

They gather around fires because it’s friggin’ cold, woman!  It’s not like their holidays land in warmer times during the year.  Sheesh!  Are they supposed to freeze????

As I remember, the bonfires that I attended during homecoming week when I was in high school were always in the fall.

Ok.  Your point?

I am amazed at how we ignorantly participate in pagan, occult rituals.

Dear Lord in Heaven, please help me to be nice to this woman…….

The gods of harvest that the witches worship during their fall festivals are the Corn King and the Harvest Lord. The devil is too stupid to understand that Jesus is the Lord of the Harvest 365 days a year. But we cannot be ignorant of the devices of the enemy. When we pray, we bind the powers of the strong men that people involved in the occult worship.

Really?  I have nothing to say for this one.  I’m sorry.  it’s hard to argue with facts like these.  It’s apparent that a lot (cough) of research went into this article (ahem).

Halloween is much more than a holiday filled with fun and tricks or treats. It is a time for the gathering of evil that masquerades behind the fictitious characters of Dracula, werewolves, mummies and witches on brooms. The truth is that these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist. I have prayed for witches who are addicted to drinking blood and howling at the moon.

Wait a minute….that little kid down the street from me is an evil demon masquerading as Spider Man?  And, if I choose to dress my son up as Yoda this year, I’m playing into Satan’s apocalyptic plans?  On second thought, isn’t this the same Satan that you said was “too stupid” to understand a simple thing like who’s in charge?  I guess, in retrospect, I have nothing to worry about then.

While the lukewarm and ignorant think of these customs as “just harmless fun,” the vortexes of hell are releasing new assignments against souls. Witches take pride in laughing at the ignorance of natural men (those who ignore the spirit realm).

I seriously think you’ve been watching waaaaayyyyyyy too much Legion.  That’s not a very good film.  There’s far better, more wholesome movies out there that you should be watching.  Like Rosemary’s Baby, which is about a cute little baby boy coming into this world.  Or you may like a film called The Exorcist, which is about this wonderfully giving Priest who wants to help a sad and needy teenager.  Both of these films I believe that you’ll adore and want to show to your family for generations to come (snicker).

Decorating buildings with Halloween scenes, dressing up for parties, going door-to-door for candy, standing around bonfires and highlighting pumpkin patches are all acts rooted in entertaining familiar spirits. All these activities are demonic and have occult roots.

The word “occult” means “secret.” The danger of Halloween is not in the scary things we see but in the secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes. These activities include:

• Sex with demons
• Orgies between animals and humans
• Animal and human sacrifices
• Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
• Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
• Revel nights
• Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
• Release of “time-released” curses against the innocent and the ignorant.

By your logic, because I put a pumpkin on my stoop, dress my kid up, go door to door begging for morsels of sweet, chewy goodness, I’m actually having sex with demons and animals?  Also, I’m guilty of secretly sacrificing babies, conjuring demons and casting spells?

Ok.

Just making sure I got it straight.

Another abomination that goes on behind the scenes of Halloween is necromancy, or communication with the dead. Séances and contacting spirit guides are very popular on Halloween, so there is a lot of darkness lurking in the air.

There’s also a lot of darkness lurking in your thought processes, my dear.

However, Ephesians 1:19-21 speaks of the authority of the believer and the exceeding greatness of God’s power in us (the same power that raised Christ from the dead). It goes on to say that that Jesus is seated in heavenly places far above all principalities, power, might, dominions and every name that is named. The good news is that because we are seated in heavenly places with Jesus, the same demonic activity that is under His feet is under our feet, too!

How this is good news?  I mean if we’re standing on the gates of Hell, shouldn’t we be doing something about this?  I don’t want weird demonic activity lurking under my feet!  Maybe we can pour cement in the sewers and fill up any man holes so that the demons don’t get through.  This is NOT good news….this is expensive news!  Where are we going to find the money for this?  And for that matter, where are the homeless going to sleep if there’s no underground?  Oh gee, what are we to do?

People who worship the devil continue to attempt to lift him up. But he has already been cast out and down! Many are blinded to this fact, but the day will come when all will know he has been defeated once and for all. When we accept Jesus but refuse to renounce Satan and his practices, we are neither hot nor cold but lukewarm—and the Word says that God will spit us out of His mouth. The problem with lukewarm is that it attempts to mix the things of the devil with the things of God. It is God’s desire that we serve Him alone.  Second Corinthians 6:15 asks the question, “And what agreement has Christ with Belial?” As believers, we need to answer that question in our hearts. We must avoid the very appearance of evil. I would not want a demon spirit to mistake me for an occult worshiper.

There is no doubt in my heart that God is not calling us to replace fall festivals and Halloween activities; rather, He wants us to utterly destroy the deeds of this season. If you or your family members have opened the door to any curses that are released during the demonic fall festivals, renounce them and repent. I already have. Then declare with me: “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!”

Ok, enough of these shenanigans!  For the first time in my life, I, a woman, am forced to quote 1 Corinthians 14:34:  “The women are to keep silent in the churches; for they are not permitted to speak”.   Please, Ms. Daniels, obey that scripture and be silent.  You’re confusing the heck out of me with all your talking in circles.  I’m getting a headache.  The truth is, if I want to celebrate any festivities on Oct 31, according to your rules, I can’t eat candy, dress up, carve squash, dance, play music, play games, laugh, cheer, hoot, holler, smile, sing, run, walk, light candles, etc, etc, etc.

I know one thing for sure….we won’t be going to your house this year!  We’ll stay home, and enjoy a big bucket of candy corn.  And I thank the witch that “blessed” my bag o’ corn because she most likely had some good intentions, and blessed me with health, wealth and happiness for years to come.  Unlike you, I certainly hope the best for her….or him.